A life of leisure...

I can't believe I have left it so long between posts.

I am officially unemployed now. If I ever wondered was I doing the right thing leaving my job this early in pregnancy, I don't anymore. My blood pressure has gone from being high, to normal almost over night. No more sleepless nights thinking about the next day at work, no more long hours, no more dealing with di@kheads that don't have a clue. Sure, we're broke and will probably be living on beans on toast before too long but I have a new set of priorities. I have mentioned to A he will need to do some overtime to buy some groceries. He can handle that if it means Buddy and I are happy and healthy. I have started to look for some temp work, but there is very little out there at the moment with it being so close to christmas. I'll be happy if I can get some in the new year just to get a few last minute baby things and hopefully put a little money away to help us out a bit later on.

I am almost 22 weeks pregnant now, and I think I still just look fat. Really hanging out for the round belly, but have a feeling I am just going to look fat this whole time. I constantly look like I've just eaten a big dinner and topped it off with dessert.
I have been diagnosed with gest.ational diab.etes as well. It's been 5 weeks that I've been dealing with it now, so this pregnancy I have lost 3kg. It hasn't been too bad really and I have been able to control it reasonably well with diet. I really don't want to go on insulin. I thought those days of injecting myself were over.

Now that I have so much time on my hands, I should update in here more. I have recorded nothing from this pregnancy. I always had these visions of taking weekly belly shots, and keeping a little weekly diary. I started none of that. Deep down, I guess I thought the pregnancy wouldn't last so why get attached and record all the little milestones. As I feel Buddy move more and more, I am amazed at how emotional I become and how much I love the little tacker already. This pregnancy bizzo is absolutely amazing, and I intend to enjoy every last minute of it right down to the swollen feet and battered bladder. I am so thankful and lucky to be experiencing this and never want to take it for granted.

I quit my job....

....because they're A**holes. I really want to swear. Can I swear in my own blog? I make the rules around here, so I guess I can! ;) I've had enough of being pushed and pushed. If I do say so myself, I am good at my job, and they know it. My appraisals (which I have in writing) say I do my job well, they tell me I do my job well regularly until recently, but it seems that now I am not willing to work outside of the 8 hour day, I'm not doing enough. I'm doing more work than I was 6 months ago and I work flat out all day (unlike other people who fart arse around the office all day and then hang around until 6 because it makes them look good), so that I can go home at 5 and I am getting all my work done. Apparently I have the capacity for more shit to be loaded on to me because I am able to leave at 5. WTF? I'm pregnant, I'm hormonal, and I'm just plain tired. I don't want to feel like complete and utter shit my whole pregnancy. I want to keep my BP down (which it hasn't been lately). I want to work 8 hours a day, come home and have dinner with A, spend a few hours with him and crash by about 9. If I start doing longer hours, I will literally be working, travelling, having dinner, going to bed. I'm not an ambitious person. I go to work to earn money and nothing more. I do take pride in my work. If you're going to do something, then do it properly but I don't believe I should be used and abused to the extent they have done over the last 12 months. I've been made to feel guilty about all my IVF and Dr's appointments, and now that I am pregnant they think it's all good and I'm all happy and dandy and will do whatever they ask even if it is unreasonable and not in line with their "work/life balance" policy. (which BTW, I told them was a load of shit).
BTW, my Manager is a 25 year old high flyer who doesn't understand why anyone would want kids....this is why I have had no support from my work all year in regards to TTC treatments and appointments.

So, it all hit the fan yesterday. I formally resigned with my 4 weeks notice and I finish 21/11. I'll only be 19wks by then so I'll just look for a temp job to get me through a couple of months. A suggested I stay home so I can cook for him every night (since he does the cooking now) and bring him his slippers and a drink when he walks in the door every afternoon! Dreamer!
As much as I think we could scrape by on one wage, I would rather work so we can make sure we can get everything we need for Buddy and to keep me from going stir crazy at home. There's no medical reason for me not to work at this stage so I will find something else to do, but something thats temporary and I can walk in at the start time and walk out at finish time and not think about the place until I go back the next day.

I'm so excited to see what happens at work. I work for a retail company at their head office where annual leave is a no go zone for November/December due to how busy they are. My job is a nightmare during these months, and I leave on 21/11. No one knows how to do my job at this point. Good luck to them. They'll need it.

So, there IS a baby in there!

I can't believe how slack I am updating here. I've been so tired and feeling awful, there has been little energy left for blogging.
We went and had our NT scan last Monday. Sunday night was the longest night of our life. Neither A or myself slept much. The scan was on our minds and we were nervous about what may or may not be on the screen when we got in there. Turns out, there's a baby in there after all!! Measuring 4 days ahead, heart beat at a lovely 154bpm and nuchal fold measurement was within normal ranges. All looking good. After the scan we finally went and bought a few baby items and we have almost filled 2 boxes with bits and pieces. I doubt we will buy much more now until we find out the sex and start to buy some furniture.

Meet Buddy....

9w1d

I'm not sure why I am having so much trouble with the possibility that I am pregnant. It doesn't seem real. I haven't seen a heartbeat, I have only done the one HPT followed by a BT (and that was 4 weeks ago)...it's all very surreal. DH wants to go looking at baby stuff and I just can't deal with it. Then last night I got all teary thinking about how, if this really is real, my life is never going to be the same again. Now, don't get me wrong...we both want to start a family more than anything, but I think I had decided deep down that it was always just going to be us. It has always just been us. We've been together since we were 16 and lived together for the last 14. Just the two of us. We've always had a fantastic relationship, and couldn't imagine my life without him. I think it just hit me, that I won't have him all to myself, we wont go and have our nice dinners out or weekends away as just the two of us. I guess in a way I am grieving what our life has been like up until now as it will never be like that again.
We will have so much more to look forward to now. It's going to be just as special...just different. We will get to experience it with a new little person who hopefully will be a perfect blend of both of us.. DH's patience, calmness and kind heart, and my weird sense of humour! :) So many new things to experience and things to learn about ourselves and each other.
I am making a vow to stay positive about this pregnancy and enjoy the next 30 or so weeks I have with my DH planning and preparing for our new addition. DH has taken to calling the baby Buddy (if you know anything about AFL, you will know Buddy!). So, I guess that's what we are calling him/her for now.
Writing this post, I have come to realise how much I have to be grateful for so I am determined to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy and not dwell on the negatives. (I'll try really hard to remember that when I feel like I am going to bring up my breakfast!)

So, I start an infertility blog and look what happens....

I got a BFP! How the hell did that happen? I wasn't on ivf meds, didn't have egg collection, no transfer... you mean I got pregnant by having sex?? Bloody hell, who would have thunk it!!
We were in our 2nd last cycle before going back to ivf. Saw my lovely naturopath around 7DPO and we knew we had one more shot at it before ivf. So, waiting, waiting for AF to arrive so we can get started and she never shows! I waited until 18DPO before testing and there it was...a big dark pink test line staring back at me. By that stage I knew deep down I was pregnant. I had spotting at 9dpo (implantation I'm guessing) and by 13DPO (I have a 11 day luteal phase) was experience nausea which was keeping me awake at night. It took me a while to work up to doing the test. I've been to my GP and had a dating scan. The scan didn't show much, just a small black thing in my uterus. I'm only just over 5 weeks so I guess I can't expect to see much at this point.
The worrying has already started. The nausea has calmed down and I just get a bit of cramping every now and then.
I'm going to need a straight jacket very soon.

Limbo land

I have been offline for close to a month and it was hard!! I came out in a rash within hours of us losing our connection. I was losing sleep, checking the post box obsessively every day for our new modem and start up pack from our new provider. It wasn't good. After a week though I suddenly reaslised, I had read a book from start to finish and almost knitted a scarf. I even baked!! I made a point of not pointing it out to A. He probably would have had it disconnected permanently with all the little things I achieved in such a short space of time. As much as I missed it, it was great to get away from conception/ivf forums and to be so obsessed with where everyone is in their cycle. For the moment I have a better balance. I lived without the net for nearly a month, I can do anything now!

As for our cycle...it's still not happening. We have put it off until September. Those terrible herbs I am taking have been working by making me ovulate earlier so we are giving it a bit longer. If we dont get that miracle with the naturopath in the next couple of months, we'll definitely going back for ivf before the end of the year. Have to take advantage of that medicare safety net.
So, I'm still taking the herbs twice per day, and now I am on these horse tablets for my thyroid. Two, morning and night. They taste almost as bad as the herbs. After 2 months of these herbs and tablets, I'll be capable of anything

Honey, are you hormonal?

That's what my lovely husband (Mr A) asked me a couple of nights ago. After more than 3 years TTC, you would have thought he would know better. If there was a sharp object within reach, he could have been in serious trouble.
Had a visit from AF late on Wednesday night. It was a bit more painful than usual and I was having a woe is me moment. Then the tears started, and I was going on and on about not wanting to go through more IVF blah blah blah. I was having a bad night. Then I get a "honey, are you hormonal?" WTF? Does he not value his life?
I've been feeling a bit ordinary since. Really emotional. I feel like I have had enough of this assisted conception thing and I want to get on with my life. Work is giving me the shits and I want to find a new job. But how can I when I need time off for IVF? A new employer wouldn't appreciate me having days off at a time when I have egg collection, or having to duck out for other random appointments. Why do I worry about how this will effect everyone else but myself? Maybe I should just do what I have to do in order to keep myself happy and bugger everyone else.

I will probably be ok again in a couple of days. I just need to suck it up and get on with it. Stim #4 in July. I have to do it. I can't put it off any longer.

Oh, and the herbs still suck!!